My Epiphany about "COMMITMENT"

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH!!!

So the other day I definitely realized that that I am deeply afraid of commitment. Like I use to be in denial when people told me that I might be afraid of the C word, but I shrugged it off. I really zoned out last Sunday and imagined me actually commited to someone. The very thought of that non-sense scared the shit out of me. I run from it.

So what can be the cause?? IDK. hmmm I do see people get hurt alot, do to relationships. I ammm self-defending, so maybe I'm protecting myself from "pain" or any other unhealthy effects that can be caused by relationships?? My adult life has basically consisted of "friends" not necessarily friends with benefits, but true friends who I happened to have "relations" with. A girlfriend though?? NAAAA not so much, well at least not since BECKA. siiiiiiiighhh. lol I had to laugh at that one.

When things start to get to the wire and look like it could be headed into a possible relationship, I change the direction. hahaaa am I a bad person?? I have a lot of standards, that in this day and age i find myself believing that I will never find in a person (if that makes sense).

Like how do you change?? Because I feel awful for being this way. It is seriously upseting my stomach, maybe because I thought I knew myself well enough, I'm a mystery to myself...WTF?? I am determined to know myself better though, and figure this thing out.

Chill

Ok, so i think I made the mistake of being too social. Mobbing around is something I Like to do, the more friends the better. Well in my situation, SOMEONE has to plan all these kick it sessions, every movie, bowling session, etc. has to be planned, and guess who people look to to plan shit....ME, yah .

The attention at times is nice, but that attention sometimes shows you how annoying human beings can be. TEXT, TEXT, TEXT I get text left and right non-stop. Today for instance, I have trying to do nothing but chill, but I'm not being allowed to. Its like call this person call that person, "YOO get their fuckin number and call them yourself" straight up. Its like about to get to the point where people are going to text me to schedule shits for them....sheeesh just once i want someone to invite me to something planned, something I have to put in no work for. Its just stressful. I feel kinda bad for blowing up on my friends here today. I figured I would write this blog to clear my head of it.

I nbeed some fredd0 time YO....

UPDATE YO

SURVIVAL would be the word used!!

I am surviving, right now the hype has gone down for me and my peers, and we are constantly bumping heads. I know it’s because we are all stuck together, so we are a family basically. For every bad incident that occurs, there are 20 great ones behind it. We are growing together. This teamwork shit is completely new to me.
My mindset tells meeh to do it alone, the earth is a puzzle that I will never fit, I'm not of the world..? ahhh yes...

sheesh dipped into the deep pool for the first time in months, my true self is coming back..?? It feels like I have been missing something that has been discovered tonight. Man like someone gave me my mind back after being trashed in BMT.

I have people back at home looking up to me yo. Like motivating people is a big thing to me, because when I didn't have much confidence, I was highly motivated. Motivated to change, but the change was recognized on my part. Change is essential to life.

I feel as if I have matured in a great way, almost too much, as I sit and reminice on my past I realize that I have grown. Staying home on Friday night is not a big deal. Material objects are not as important as they seem, its kind of hipocritical seeing as how my life is controlled, but do NOT let trends from the media control your life. Evaluate your life and whats important then implement priorities, short term, and long term goals.

Sooo, on some other shit, I have realized that i really like this girl I know. She's going to school to be a...... Now, the catch with this is that, she is a good ass friend! Do you risk something like that?? Like is it worth it?? I would love comments for this question.

Social life has a automatic poppin tag attached to it. Shout out to the hommie Coleman, Thiboeaux(spell check) I just spell it "teebo" lol, and all my classmates and other friends. They hold me down in a major way.

Shout out to CALI//FL// LV//AZ and now TX sheesh.....

My Situation

Sooo... I am in a place where hormones are raging. People are wild and it's embarassing to watch and be around. I am deprived of good quality women. And it's taking it's toll on me. I am deprived sexually(no frontin), and if I am goin to be getting down this women must maintain pure quality, this means personality is right and looks are on point and she does not have a massive flock of dudes with her all day on sum whore-ish type shit. I mean to normal dudes this would be paradise, but all of you who know me, know I am not an average dude and normal is not in my vocabulary.

Will I survive these circumstances?? Will I live through the seemingly lonely depression in a place full of free love??