ROCIO
(Second attempt at this)
“And when you forget her, that’s when she pop up”
- Aubrey
It’s now February of 2024 and I can’t seem to escape the mental hold this situationship has had on me. To call it that seems like an understatement, but by definition, that’s what it was. I didn’t finish writing this because I was in a deep state of doubt, loss of judgement, fear, anxiety, sleepless nights, stomach pain, loss of appetite, self identity loss. My mother went to the hospital and I drove out to Dallas to go be with her. Scary, she had a stroke! Not to dive deep into that, but I am trying to paint a picture from my perspective. And I literally had NO ONE there for ME. I told myself finishing writing this is the least of my worries…..
(Nov. 2023)
“We found each
other…I helped you out of a broken place” never hit harder. I thought I had my
thoughts together before I started writing this. I thought wrong. I’ve been
wrong a lot this year(23), not because I don’t know better, but because I have
chose time and time again to ignore truths and signs presented to me. With that
being said, I wouldn’t take any of it back. I stand as a man accountable for all
of my actions. Hurt AF. Reaching my hands to the highest powers in this universe
seeking Guidance..Wisdom..Clarity..Patience and LOVE! I feel like my soul has
been ripped out and placed in solitary confinement. Awaiting trial. Maybe
writing this helps, maybe it doesn’t . My pride doesn’t want me to acknowledge
this at all. Very Clearly…Fuck my pride!
Jan 2023 I was hired by this company to
manage a Dental office that was struggling. I came in spreading good vibes and
making a positive impact on the culture for this company. I would visit all 5 of
our offices on a weekly basis. One particular office I began to grow fond of.
Amazing office and location, but most importantly I built a really great
connection with the staff at this office. The Office Manger specifically! We
would engage in very pleasant conversations with a variety of topics. We
instantly clicked and built rapport. So much so, that we exchanged social medias
and eventually would start texting each other playing iPhone games. Very sweet
and innocent. This would probably be a great time to mention that she has a
boyfriend (Still). Because of this I would limit how often I texted her. I also
would converse with my friends about her and if I should even be texting her. I
didn’t want to ruin what she had going on, plus I had a couple of other things
in motion (Ingram) x (Mission) in my life. One day I planted a seed in her mind
about being young and in a relationship. She was 22 then. I did mentioned this,
because I’ve seen a lot of young women held back due to relationships that do
not last. I just knew I didn’t want that to be her. This girl was a star(IS)
with so much potential, I felt inclined to give her whatever game I could for
her success. I would compliment her and build her up. No expectations or
pressure, just being pure and genuine. This would later become something that
attracted me to her. In my eyes she was the most mature 22yo I had ever met. The
way she could move in a room was impressive. It reminded me a lot of myself.
Shorty ran her office like a professional and I later would find that she was
cool AF in real life too. I was having car trouble and she gave me a couple of
rides home, which I thought was so thoughtful and special. Legit like a 20+ min
drive. She mentioned smoking weed and wanting to try “X”. This created a new
form of trust with me, because these are not things you just talk to your
co-workers about, unless you Fuck with them. Being someone who came off of a
crazy 2022 with mushrooms and molly, I knew we would eventually hang out, if
that was really the vibe she was on! At this point I am looking at her a little
bit differently. Her boyfriend still in the back of my mind, but her in the
front of it! We would end up going on lunch dates…thrifting for clothes…scooter
rides downtown. All of this still in a friend phase. Still no pressure, but also
still good vibes. I knew it was deep when I realized I could text her about
almost anything. Consistent conversation and positivity was our makeup and DNA.
She would introduce me to a LOT of Mexican culture.
https://youtu.be/3mchJ-EW9rM?si=goZD51EIjv3xudIt
https://youtu.be/x9jfYwRVtOo?si=2SdaohYTl2fDcEIe
https://youtu.be/sO6r8pXZKwg?si=Kbea6G5uExcxB9Jv
https://youtu.be/cLLF8yJ2Gt4?si=aaEJM4Yd-hoByVR2
https://youtu.be/4P1e3Wj5G1A?si=RbDtW0dOjL-Qxjbl
https://youtu.be/MMp1f3UIo5I?si=MlL9mmThzvsIXURa
I in turn, would introduce her to my culture. One of our biggest things was sharing music. A true love language. A great balance. She loved Starbucks, Target and Jewelry. I loved that she always kept herself together and had pride in her presentation…ALWAYS.
As our conversations grew…the
flirting intensified. This is when I knew that she actually liked me, so I took
more risks. This opened a completely dif side of both of us, which had more of
an emphasis on physical.
We planned a day to link and I bought a bottle of tequila to set the tone. She came
over and we talked and talked. I was nervous because …like WHAT.!? What are we
doing? Is this really happening? How did I get this lucky? That day, I was a
happy man. We had sex and I still wanted to hang out and talk to her afterwards.
Sexually, I could tell her experiences had been limited, but I thought that was
kind of cute. Imagining the things I could teach her. I was already hooked, but
sex always intensifies feelings. After that we would both plan and find time to
“link”. Usually she would text me “👀” or “25 away”. This would always send my
heart racing because I knew it was my time with her.
I loved that she wasn’t ALWAYS
available. We had a great balance that allowed us to miss each other and
appreciate each other more. We would look at each other at the office and laugh,
because we had a great secreto that we couldn’t share with anyone . When people
weren’t around we would flirt and make faces at each other. The perfect inside
joke. At this point I really believed I was special I thought that I was immune
to all the secrets she had. Mid summer we both walked out of our jobs at the
company we worked for. I quit first, so I’m not sure if she was influenced by my
decision. Nevertheless, once again another thing we bonded over. We freed
ourselves from a toxic work environment. We still stayed in contact and hung out
with some of our free time.
https://youtu.be/6hfbHSItskQ?si=3I7LdWbhDpSniE5e
I started bringing her around friends to try to introduce her to maybe a side of life she wasn’t used to.
We took mushrooms together and had one of the greatest days! She trusted me! I trusted her! We literally like giggled all day! We took them at the park! As we walked the park I realized that was a mistake and might be too much stimulation for her first REAL trip(3.5)! We went to get snacks and went to the house! There I held her and vibed in my room. We went for a short walk outside, and much was so wholesome! We got back to the house and I knew she wanted to fhhhhk …but I just wanted her to enjoy the experience…plus I already put it on her earlier that day! She tried to leave still tripping…I asked Brandon if we could both go to the store with him so we could come down and listen to music! I remember getting the text from her when she got home! She was in the dark TRIPPING hard still! Lol
Those memories will forever live with me. After that day…I fantasized about the
idea of “us” . The age difference was always something we joked about, but I put
that fact aside and thought “what if”. I tried to wash those thoughts out of my
head, because how could we ever exist? How could I, when I see she is actively
cheating on someone she claims she loves? Why would I be any different once
she’s mentally over me? By then I started seeing the signs that maybe this whole
thing was wrong. Why have I got so comfortable as a side piece? “Know your role”
is what I kept telling myself….but really I had begun to fall in love with her.
I subconsciously started cutting other women out of my life because in my head,
they just didn’t compare to her. I think it’s important to note, she was around
through the toughest times this year. She didn’t burden me with problems. She
was my peace. My therapist and my sexual healing. Once I started cutting women
off, I immediately felt the void. I started looking for more of her time (which
is not player at all). I started falling deeper for her.
In September , she sent me a
text that said
“heeyyyy don’t text me till tomorrow 😬😬😬”
This changed
everything for me! I was hurt. I had forgot my place. She had never texted me
that before. EVER! That put things in perspective for me. I later would I tell
myself I need to end this before it gets even deeper. She agreed to meet me for
lunch so we could see each other one last time. She seemed confused about the
“meet for last time”. We met for frozen yogurt and had an awkward conversation
about the situation we found ourselves in. She was dry and cold and didn’t
really give me much energy. After 15-20min she told me she had to get back to
work, which seemed like a lie, I could see that she was not happy. She refused
to give me a legit hug for any kind of closure which made me feel like shit. I
left sad. I told her I wanted to see her one last time “mind .body .soul” she
asked if that was a good idea….but in my head it was the only idea. I really
wanted proper closure. Looking back, it probably wasn’t the best idea. Because I
really just wanted to be around her. I would have taken any moment with her. She
gives me the comfort I need and tells me that she doesn’t think this should end.
I agree. Feeling comforted in an uncomfortable situation. But ultimately this
makes me happy! At this point I had been fighting and neglecting my feelings for
her. I almost told her at our lunch date.
We would later have a
misunderstanding that caused her to leave and turn away from my usual kiss when
she gets in her car. CRUSHED AF!! I Sat outside….just letting that sink in. I
texted her. No reply. I called her and we talked about the misunderstanding.
That was the night we expressed
our Love for each other. Ohhh to be loved. Ohhh to feel loved! My world changed.
We would carry on with our links.
Having conversations that were
a little more serious at this point. She convinced me several times that she was
working to get out of her “situation”. Eventually it did not seem like enough,
so I did the most immature thing and ghosted her. I thought she already has a
man, so not a hard transition for her. Plus I couldn’t face telling the person I
love, that I am unhappy with the lack of you, due to your obligations.
We didn’t talk for a couple of
days before she hits me with a surprising text. The “I need to talk to you”
text. That night she told me she might be pregnant. I can’t act like I was
surprised. We had been having raw sex for a while and having a BLAST! Literally!
I just had a feeling! There were several cryptic things that came from her. It’s
like she planted a seed in me too!
I told her she had my full
support! I don’t believe in abortions. But I told her if she wanted to go that
route, I’d support it. If she wanted to keep the baby, I would support that too!
I never expressed this, but her being pregnant made me excited. Like I accepted
the fact she might actually have the child. I thought of names. I had a vision
of what that life would look like. But it was pretty far-fetched. My thoughts?
She’s too young. I had my child young so I know what that’s like. I know I
didn’t want that for her! I had praised her so much for her potential…I couldn’t
watch her fall victim and become a stereotype! Would her family love this child?
Would they accept me? Or would they raise the child while I’m left to fend? I
thought about both sides. That would make THREE children for me. Balancing my
two, with the life I have is already challenging. She also had never spent a day
with my kids. All of these things that plagued my mind. While still worrying
about her and our secret. Which now was in JEOPARDY! She asked to ship the
shmashmortion pills to my house. I told her yes, but I also told her she could
take them here too and that she always had a place at my house. The one thing I
ever asked from her, never lie to me. I know you have a situation. I know you
lie to all those other people, but please make me the exception. That was my
mindset and I allowed myself to believe I was special and above anyone else in
her life. That’s how she made me feel. But that wasn’t the case. I really wanted
to do the doctor visit to confirm pregnancy and how far along. She told me there
weren’t any appointments available for like 2 weeks. I’m like damn. Well if we
are going to go this route, we need to do it sooner than later. She told me that
she was going out of town. Her family thought that she deserved a vacation and
paid for her to go. I believed it, even though the way she expressed it seems
forced. She sends me a bunch of memes and stuff early this morning. She says
she’s catching her first flight ever and she’s doing it “alone”. Communication
is spotty, which threw me off because of her man isn’t around, she’s usually
hitting me up more consistently. She sends me a picture from Vegas of a strip
club. Instantly I’m like WTF! I said, “can I ask you something?” “Who are you in
Vegas with?” She said “ His family and him. His uncle beat cancer and this is a celebration for that” . I had had a dream of her. More like a nightmare! I walked into a room and seen her bf eating her ass from the back. OMG! I was siiiiiiiiickkkk! On top of that, I find out that she lied to me!
she is pregnant and in Vegas?!
That baffled me! It made me feel like the ultimate side nigga. Like in that
moment I realized that all the red flags and all the things I neglected were
written in stone right in front of my eyes. She went against the one thing I
asked her for. I blocked her after that.
Little did I know, that
blocking her during that time would do more damage than I ever would have
thought. I blocked her on a Tuesday. I did this because I wanted to force her
into being serious about this situation. We were in a time crunch if we were
going to do this and all I could think about was her on a vacation. I gave it a
week and unblocked her(next Tuesday). I texted her very vague and to the point.
It was to come off slightly cold to put emphasis on how serious I was. I had no
idea what was going on. I’d like to also mention, I was getting very poor advice
from people around me. I won’t mention any names, but I can admit that.
She now had ME blocked. That
made me soooo mad! Lol like what?! The reverse uno card hit! Me upset and in
full war strategist mode, I decide to do the unthinkable. I rip up my player
card to shift the whole dynamic. Brandon gave me 2 USBs to load pictures, videos
and screenshots of incrimination. At this point I just wanted all of my problems
to end. I thought by telling the truth, I would free us all. I knew her family
would support her and that she would bounce back 100 harder! But also, I wanted
to give her one more chance to text me about what’s going on with the pregnancy.
I just wanted to be done at this point. She did not reply to my text messages.
So I went and dropped off one of the two USBs. I had Brandon call her job to see
if she was there. This is all while I’m typing in the next address. After that
call, she texts me back. Sharing a screenshot of what she sent while I had her
blocked. This shows me that she was trying to take the pills Saturday/Sunday.
She also booked a hotel to do it. I’m guessing because she couldn’t contact me.
If she did do it that Sunday, that means that she was already a couple of days
into it. Now at this point I am heading to the second house. I contemplate going
back to take that USB. I’m like , I wish she would have hit me back sooner. We
pull up to the next house and Brandon drops the second USB off at her sister’s,
I told him, “I’m too black to do it” . We are texting back and forth at this
point. Brandon and I leave to go get food after. Before our food even comes out,
she’s blowing my phone up. I didn’t realized it would be found so soon. Brandon
answers and then hangs up once he hears her crying. The whole scene is really
wild. Our adrenaline was pretty high. There was Italian music playing in the
background. I haven’t watched the Sopranos series, but I could imagine it looked
a felt something like an episode or two. It felt like we just slid on the opps
and pulled up to the low key location to eat and discuss. I flirted with the
waitress to deflect my deep down feelings. I got her Instagram, but she’s def
wack! Anyway. Her family reached out to me with threats and strong words at the
side of her! They showed true support. I couldn’t be mad. But also I’m not a
hoe! I was ready to defend myself . I’m not sure who all was texting me, but I
just conversed with the one that seemed to have the most sense. Lol They told me
I was right, the truth would set me free. It seemed like sarcasm, I wasn’t
entirely sure how to take that. I was also told they weren’t sure about what’s
going to happen. This caused my heart to drop. She sent me a picture of my whip
from when I dropped off the first USB. I knew that lawn guy was up to something.
I didn’t understand why she sent it though. I’m assuming she went home and
retrieved the USB. I didn’t care though. I really and truly did not want to tell
her bf. I just wanted her family to know. I called a friend of mine and old
co-worker. I asked her if she thought she would keep the baby. She told me that
Hispanic families will convince you to keep the baby and x out the dad if
needed. They would build a community around this child and probably shit on me.
This advice sent me down a spiral. That night was crazy! I pulled up to my best
friend’s house in Cibolo. That night Drake dropped scary hours! Which was like
gasoline to my Fire!!!! We got high and drove around listening to it! It was
like Drake specifically knew I needed a soundtrack for this moment in time. I
also drove to Dallas that night to see my mother! So many emotions going through
my head. My heart was literally freezing in real time! I was turning into my
inner savage and it reminded me of when I’ve been on demon time in the past. My
spirit was not right. I was hurt, lost and lonely inside. My mother could sense
my pain. I was embarrassed. I’m supposed to be taking care of her, and I am
going through the roughest part of my year. When I got back into town, I
immediately secluded myself from the world. I was able to spend more and more
time with my kids and focus on the things that mattered most to me. However
still HAUNTED and disgusted with my actions and how everything transpired.
I reached out numerous times.
Each time no answer or reply. I knew she was hurt AF!! But I also know she has
an extremely hard exterior that she can turn on at any moment. It killed me not
knowing if I was going to have a child or not. If I would be excluded or
welcomed if she did have the baby. I remembered her screenshot of the hotel she
said she would be taking the pills at. It’s right by my house. Which sucks
because every time I drive by that hotel, I get in my feelings! I went inside
the hotel and told them that I booked the room. I wanted to see if this person
checked in that day. And indeed she checked in 11/12/23. I will not forget that
day! I also have a weird feeling about that day, but I have tried hard to let
that go. The hotel confirmed the check in and I left. This gave me more peace of
mind, but I still don’t feel like enough. I had an expectation of her
communicating this. I finally texted her sister. I hate going outside of my
sources, but I had to escalate this before I went crazy! I was thinking of going
to her job. But who TF wants to do that?! Within the hour she texted me… This
was a sign of relief for me. I wanted to have a full discussion about this, but
I knew it was not an option. I knew I needed to continue healing. I also didn’t
want to disrupt any healing she was already doing! I had no idea what was going
on, on her side. We have not spoke since then. There hasn’t been a single day
that she has hit been on my mind….like since I’ve met her. I have flashbacks all
the time of our memories. There is so much beauty in this pain. The whole
situation has changed me. I am far more reluctant than I’ve ever been in
multiple life. I am locked in with myself. My growth is important to me. I just
had to be humbled by life to learn these lessons. I hate that she had to learn
this type of life lesson this early in her life. I hate that I was the one who
brought her pain and suffering. I still root for her! If she moves on and does
10000x better, that would be no flex…because that’s what I expect from her. Even
though, I feel like she made a fake Bumble page and we were talking through
there, cause ain’t no fucking way! 😂 But I’ll let that one go too!
“She gave me a vibe, it was
part of my sickness”
I am sorry for hurting you Abrianna! You meant the world
to me!
I am also sorry for allowing myself to be hurt. For putting myself in an
inevitable situation. Despite everything, I still have so much love for her! I’m
not sure who is checking this page from an android, but I this is for you!
